After Effects
by AutumnRain1
Summary: Harm has some lasting effects from his crash. Does not follow exact story lines on the show
1. Default Chapter

Title: After Effects 1/?  
  
Author: AutumnRain email: autumrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: At the very least an R (will keep a toned down version posted on the "shipper" group)  
  
Summary: Harm has some lasting after effects of his crash and has to find a way to deal with them.  
  
Warnings: Product of an extremely boring Food Science and Nutrition class this morning…This does not follow exactly events of the show. I took a few liberties here and there with events.  
  
Disclaimer: All characters are property of DPB and company. I am just borrowing them for a little fun and absolutely no profit.  
  
Feedback: Feedback is good. I enjoy it and it lets me know people are reading it and either loving it or want me to stop LOL.  
  
Archive: you can find this story and others I have written or am working on at:  
  
http://Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain  
  
Oh yeah, I haven't forgotten about my other story Pajamas and Letting Go- more will be out soon (  
  
  
  
Harm's Apt.  
  
North of Union Station  
  
0415  
  
The nightmares persisted although it was rapidly closing in on a year since my crash. It wasn't that I didn't expect my latest accident to give me bad dreams every once in awhile, but even after my first crash, the one that had cost me my wings, the nightmares hadn't been this severe nine months after the fact. If anything I could argue that they were getting worse. Worse not only in the vividness of colors and sensations, but also worse in the way the feelings they evoked, were coming to me while I was wide-awake in the middle of the day.  
  
The first few days and nights after the SAR chopper picked me out of the ocean, they weren't that bad. I guess I was too doped up on pain medications to really care. I am convinced the "temporary amnesia" that the doctors said was due to the trauma I had suffered had more to do with the copious amounts of morphine they were injecting into my system. HAH- I will never forget that look Renee gave me when I looked at her standing at my bedside as I came to and called her Mac. At least she hadn't slapped me like she had on one or two times, okay, okay in all honesty, the three or four times when I had let Mac's name slip out at the most inopportune moment. If only I had nightmares about that. That I could handle, hmmmm, those fantasy sensations of being deep inside and wrapped up in the safety and heat that is Sarah MacKenzie would be worth having, even if only to be awakened by the crack of my ex-girlfriend's hand across my cheek.  
  
God, it is 0435. I am so tired. I had woken up three times already tonight / this morning due to these friggin' dreams. If the dreams themselves don't drive me over the edge, the lack of sleep is going to pry my fingers off the last tenuous handle I have on my sanity. How does Mac function? She has told me she often makes do on three maybe four hours of sleep a night. All my thoughts lately seem to come back to Mac- back to some conversation we had, some assignment we were on, some almost hallmark moment we shared, heck even some arguments we had…. Man she is soooo sexy when she is pissed, well, when she is pissed at someone other than me. I don't like the scary hollow feeling that comes over me when those dark chocolate eyes are flashing fire at some hurtful remark I, in my infinite wisdom, spit out in her direction without thinking. ENOUGH- I could keep running our relationship, whatever it is, around and around in my head and it is no more sleep inducing than the sensations of hitting the icy waters of the Atlantic, fighting desperately to breathe, fighting to cut the cords threatening to strangle me if the ocean doesn't drown me first. Jesus…, just thinking about it…. I have the overwhelming urge to scream and run but only end up pacing my apartment breathing so shallowly and fast I am on the verge of wheezing.  
  
The nightmares had begun in earnest about two days after I left the hospital and decided to stop taking the codeine the doctors prescribed to me. I was expecting them but there was usually a warm body lying in the bed beside me, at least for the first week anyway. The first few nights I guess Renee took on this Florence Nightingale complex. She would get up and wake me from nightmare if I was still trapped there, get me a drink of milk and a towel. After I would drink, she would lay me back down and wipe the sweat from my body, trying to soothe my nerves with her fingers. It did help chase the nightmare away, for that I was grateful and because I was grateful I pushed the feelings of emptiness her touch was actually eliciting from my body, to the back of my mind. I tried not to pretend it was Mac's hands wiping away my fears, that it was Mac's breast my head would find itself cradled on, that it was Mac's hands gently rubbing up and down my back and it was Mac's voice taking stand against and banishing my memories of the accident, that it was Mac's body keeping me safe and sane.  
  
After about a week Renee complained she wasn't getting any sleep and it was starting to negatively affect her work. She tried to get me to take a myriad of sleeping pills or at least a couple of her xanex before going to bed, but I refused. I had stopped taking the pain medication the doctors prescribed because I knew how easy it was to get hooked on them and I certainly wasn't going to risk an addiction to sleeping or nerve pills. Damn it, I am a strong man, emotionally and physically, I should be able to put this all behind me. There shouldn't be a cause for me to take those kinds of medications.  
  
So, Renee started sleeping on the couch- that lasted about two nights and then she would come over for supper and after a movie or an attempt at getting my body to respond and perform acts it really wasn't ready to do, she would leave. Part of me was relieved. I really wasn't in the mood for sex or even just a bit of playing around and physically, my hip and leg, not to mention my ribs, were not ready for that kind of activity and I couldn't make her understand it. I thought the routine about men and their "needs" were bad…. Renee was obnoxiously persistent and usually she would fly out of my apartment in a huff because "obviously I didn't find her attractive anymore". Jeez, but you know what? The more I think about it, what was so attractive about her? Yeah, she was aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but as the days unfolded after my crash I found out her personality wasn't all that.  
  
It all came to a head 16 days after my release from the hospital. That night, a particularly bad nightmare really hit me hard. I awoke as my body met the floor on my injured side. I was sweating and had obviously been thrashing around, fighting the waves that had surrounded me in my mind so hard that I had fallen out of bed. I tried to handle the pain and fear the dream had caused but I needed someone. I needed to hear a friendly voice. I grabbed the phone and automatically started to dial Mac's number. Just as I was about to punch in the last digit, reality set in. Why was I calling Mac? Mac wasn't my girlfriend, and at the way we had been acting around each other I had my doubts as to how much a friend she would call me. Not only that, but then I realized Mac was halfway around the world, TDY on the U.S.S. Guadalcanal. Had she been home, I am sure she would have talked to me, she probably would have been knocking on my door ten minutes after I called, despite the precarious edge our friendship was perched on, but I cleared her number and dialed Renee's. As I was doing so, another wave of irrational terror swept over me, not unlike the cold ocean waves I had been battered by in my nightmare mere minutes before.  
  
"Renee" I gasped completely in the grasp of my fear as I heard the phone picked up on her end, not even waiting for her to say "hello".  
  
"Who in hell is this???? This had better be freakin' good. I have a meeting first thing in the morning and I don't need little dickheads pulling prank calls on my number at 2 friggin' A.M." Renee practically yelled into the phone.  
  
"It's me, Renee" I say, managing a normal voice as the anger she radiated through the phone line seemed to dissipate the terror that had come over me.  
  
"Harm? Do you have any idea what time it is? I do have an early meeting in the morning." She whined.  
  
"Sorry Renee, I, I…" I didn't know what to say. I was sorry I had woken her up, but at the same time feeling a bit sorry for myself, I needed to talk to someone. Also fighting for a spot was shame, I mean what 37 year old, decorated Naval aviator lets terror come over him like that, so bad that he wakes his girlfriend up?  
  
"Well? Do you need something?"  
  
"No, never mind. Sorry I woke you up." I slammed the phone back down and painfully hauled myself back into my bed. I would be lying if I wasn't half expecting / wanting the phone to ring, with Renee on the other end apologizing herself asking me if I was okay.  
  
The next morning I showed up at Renee's makeshift office after her meeting and told her that it wasn't going to work out. I don't know exactly what I had expected, perhaps more of a fight on her part to keep me just because of the way she had wormed her way into what she could of my personal life in the time that we were together, but I wasn't all that surprised by her reaction. She had just looked at me and shrugged her shoulders and told me that I was right and that I wasn't the man she had met over a year ago, that I had changed drastically in the past month. Well, no shit, I had wanted to say, that is what almost drowning tends to do to most people. Then she proceeded to tell me in exactly what ways I had changed. An experience I could have done without, as I was already doubting myself. Suffice it to say her opinion was that I wasn't as confident and that I should get some kind of professional help before I went over the edge and that was putting what she said to me in nice, polite terms. I guess my needing her at 2 AM was not a quality she was looking for in a man.  
  
Sitting here, now at 0505, eight months later I have a revelation. I have been the strong one for the past 37 years in all my relationships, even the relationship with my mother from the age of six. Forgive me if I need to lean on someone every now and then. Scary as that thought is to me, it is less scary than the feelings of helplessness and terror that have been washing over me for the past month while I am in the middle of cross examining a witness, having lunch with Lts. Roberts and Sims, driving to work, working on my Stearman, being chewed out by the Admiral, just about every routine daily activity I engage in, it happens. Without warning and it leaves me either sweating profusely, gasping for air, and or shaking like a leave. It doesn't last long. The worst one lasted about fifteen minutes, but it has to stop.  
  
TBC if you want. 


	2. After Effects 2

Title: After Effects 2/?  
  
Author: AutumnRain email: autumrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: At the very least an R (will keep a toned down version posted on the "shipper" group)  
  
Summary: Harm has some lasting after effects of his crash and has to find a way to deal with them.  
  
Warnings: Product of an extremely boring Food Science and Nutrition class this morning…This does not follow exactly events of the show. I took a few liberties here and there with events.  
  
Disclaimer: All characters are property of DPB and company. I am just borrowing them for a little fun and absolutely no profit.  
  
Feedback: Feedback is good. I enjoy it and it lets me know people are reading it and either loving it or want me to stop LOL.  
  
Archive: you can find this story and others I have written or am working on at:  
  
http://Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain  
  
Oh yeah, I haven't forgotten about my other story Pajamas and Letting Go- more will be out soon (  
  
Sitting here, now at 0505, eight months later I have a revelation. I have been the strong one for the past 37 years in all my relationships, even the relationship with my mother from the age of six. Forgive me if I need to lean on someone every now and then. Scary as that thought is to me, it is less scary than the feelings of helplessness and terror that have been washing over me for the past month while I am in the middle of cross examining a witness, having lunch with Lts. Roberts and Sims, driving to work, working on my Stearman, being chewed out by the Admiral, just about every routine daily activity I engage in, it happens. Without warning and it leaves me either sweating profusely, gasping for air, and or shaking like a leave. It doesn't last long. The worst one lasted about fifteen minutes, but it has to stop.  
  
Harm's Apt.  
  
North of Union Station  
  
0510  
  
So far I have been able to keep my 'spells' to myself. Sturgis has given me a couple of glances when I have called time out during one of our basketball games so that I can calm my nerves and control my shaking. I shrug off his concerns with the excuse my knee is still a bit weak. I don't know how much longer he is going to buy it.  
  
The Admiral doesn't say to much, although I have noticed a slight change of tone in his voice when he chews me out. A tone that leaves no room for my not understanding I am ass-deep in trouble, but at the same time conveys the attitude he is grateful I am still here to cause him that said trouble. I think he suspects there is something bothering me, but is letting me handle it the only way I know how- going on the assumption that if I can't, I will go to him. It isn't that the thought hasn't crossed my mind, but two things stop me. Number one, he is my CO and I really don't want to be ordered to see a shrink. Number two how do I tell a highly decorated ex SeAL- who probably saw and did things in Vietnam that I don't even want to begin to imagine, who wasn't turning into an emotional wreck two or three times a day for no apparent reason, that a mere three hour dip in the Atlantic has me going off the deep end nine months after it had happened?  
  
Then there is Mac. She was the easiest to fool at first. She had her own troubles right after my splash down and then was gone for three months. Mic had left her about a little over a week after my release from Bethesda. He had been pushing her to reschedule the wedding and I guess he had come to terms with the fact she wasn't walking down the aisle unless I was there, but felt I was whole and now able to attend a wedding, they could go tie the knot posthaste.  
  
One night, shortly after Renee had left in high form, due to the fact her insistent mauling of my body didn't yield the results she wanted, just a few groans of pain on my part while making general silent apologies in my mind to any woman I may have manhandled like that, there was a knock on my door.  
  
"Go away Renee, I am not in the mood" I yell at the door not wanting to go another round with the insipid blond-headed octopus.  
  
"It's not Renee"  
  
"Mac," my eyes fly open, "It is unlocked, come on in." Regardless of the depression I had been surrendering myself to, I found my mood lifting at the sound of Mac's voice.  
  
I look up from the couch and see Mac standing just inside my door with the countenance of someone completely and desperately lost. Despite the scream of protest from my hip, I launched myself off the couch, the effect of my movement somewhat shadowed as my traitorous knee refused to take my weight and I half stagger, half fell in front of her. Only her quick move of wrapping her right arm around my waist and her left hand locking onto my shoulder saved me from sprawling flat onto my face at her feet. In spite of acute embarrassment, the feeling of being in her arms as it were, was incredible and the memory of that touch quickly became one that I try to recall when my panic rises in an attempt to quell it.  
  
"Easy Navy" Mac said, the look of pain and desolation in her eyes changing instantly to concern, her grip on me not loosening as I managed to right myself, my hands on her almost mirror-like to hers on me.  
  
"I'm okay, but you're not. What's wrong?"  
  
Her eyes left mine to stare at the floor. One of the very few rules I have managed to remember in how to deal with Mac, that just like me, forcing an issue does not tender desirable results, so I let her regroup and decide how to begin. My own thoughts racing about a mile a minute, coming to a million possibilities that would produce the trouble visible in Mac's eyes, all of them revolving around an annoying Aussie, all resulting in the decision I would beat the shit out of him, even if I had to do it with the cane I had to use to walk, for causing the pain and doubt I saw in her appearance as she stood in my foyer.  
  
"He moved out." Her eyes still not leaving the floor, "He said I only agreed to marry him because I didn't want to be alone"  
  
I was speechless. I had imagined Mac finding different reasons to leave Mic, but I never thought that Mic would walk away from her. Who in their right mind would walk away from Mac? You would, you idiot, you would and you did. I knew I would be pushing it, but I had to ask:  
  
"Was he right? Is it the reason you agreed to marry a man you don't love."  
  
She tensed and I thought she was going to back away, so I steeled my good leg to carry my weight that she was supporting. She looked up at me, and I saw tears running down her face.  
  
"I did love him Harm. Maybe not the kind of love that would make the kind of marriage that would see us 40 years down the road still laughing, holding hands and…. Not that kind of love, but I did care deeply for him. It wouldn't have been an unhappy marriage Harm"  
  
"You trying to convince me or yourself Mac?" Jeez, there I go again, I always seem to put my foot in my mouth when I try to really talk with Mac. I gripped her a bit tighter so she couldn't step back although I know if she wasn't amenable to our embrace, injured leg or not, I might end up with two injured legs. "I didn't mean to say it like that Mac….You deserve the kind of marriage that you just said you wouldn't have with Mic. I don't want to see you 'settle'" No, I certainly don't. I don't want to see you settle until we can find our way back to each other, then we can…. I cleared my head of those thoughts. She needs to know I care, but she doesn't need, she's not ready for me to go any further than the best friend I hope I still am to her. I reach out and wipe the tears from her face with my thumb, resisting the urge to lean down to kiss them away.  
  
"Harm…." She lets the thought go unfinished and I can almost hear the walls go up around her emotions, complete with chains and the sound of keys in locks, her defenses going on full tilt. End of discussion Rabb. Now just be her friend. I give her a supportive smile and realize with a start that she is soaking wet. I hear the storm outside now, my apartment now being in the eye of the storm that seems to always follow Mac and I around.  
  
"You need some dry clothes and a warm shower Marine. You are soaked and freezing. Go, bottom drawer in my bedroom, should be some sweats you can swim in, and then shower. I will hobble into the kitchen and see if I am capable of making some coffee, no, I think hot chocolate is in order." I say, releasing her and turning her in the direction of the bedroom area of my loft. I don't completely take my hands from her, reluctant to no longer be touching her. "You just have to guide me over to the counter, okay?" I ask her, managing a slight grin at her. She does as I ask, in complete silence and it worries me, but I push those thoughts away and decide the only thing I can do to at the moment is to focus on making the hot chocolate.  
  
TBC 


	3. After Effects 3

Harm's Apt.  
  
North of Union Station  
  
0545  
  
I have to report for duty at JAG in about two hours. I highly doubt that I have even had two hours sleep tonight, no point in trying now though. I know I need my rest, but I am too tired to fight those nightmares. The last good nights sleep that I had was the night Mic had left Mac….  
  
I had waited until I heard my shower turn on before I set about heating up the milk and digging out the powdered chocolate. I felt pain shoot through my ribcage as I stretched just a bit to far to grab a pot to heat the milk in, but it was nothing compared to the ache I felt in my chest for Mac. I had just started to pour the hot chocolate into our mugs when Mac emerged. She was dressed in a pair of my PT sweat pants and a well-worn 'Property of the United States Naval Academy' T-shirt. She looked so cute and comical I managed my first genuine smile in weeks. My telling her I had some sweats she could swim in was an understatement. It looked as if she had pulled up the elasticized cuffs of the sweats to just below her knees, letting the extra cloth hang down to cover her shins, and the Annapolis t-shirt, which was a bit roomy on me, hung to just above her knees and the sleeves covered most of her arms, but the sadness in her face and how she seemed to want to disappear within the folds of my clothes stopped me from any teasing remarks.  
  
"Here, let me take those" Mac reached out and took the mugs into the living room. "You wait there, I'll be back to get you."  
  
She was in full command officer mode and I caught a glimpse of the confident Marine I knew her to be. Besides if she is going to come back and wrap her arm around me, letting me lean against her, I don't mind being on the receiving end of her orders.  
  
She helped me sit back on the couch, to my surprise sitting down right next to me. She leans forward with her elbows on her knees and her hands wrapped around her steaming mug, all her concentration on sipping the hot liquid. She startled me when she began to speak:  
  
"I was so afraid that night."  
  
"Mac, you found…."  
  
"No, let me finish Harm, please?" She begged, lifting her eyes from her mug to meet mine. I nodded.  
  
"I stood in front of my office window for most of those three hours, staring out at the rain, knowing you were out there in that storm, perhaps hurt, cold, and scared. I almost had myself convinced I could hear you calling for me. Then I was afraid that maybe you were…." Her voice caught and she returned her gaze to her mug. "I thought maybe you were gone. That you had gotten yourself killed because I wanted you to…, to be at my wedding. How could I explain that to your mother? How was I going to go on without my best friend?"  
  
I took her mug and set it on the coffee table, then grasped her hands in mine. "It's over Mac, you found me." Funny, I could tell her not to worry, to let go of the fear, but it was still invading my dreams. "This is more than about that night though, talk to me….I am glad you still think of me as your best friend, because you are mine"  
  
"Always, Harm. It…."  
  
The phone rang and I reached over to pick it up. All intents being to tell the person on the other end to call back later.  
  
"Hello?" I look at Mac and mouth the word 'Mic' to her, a question on my face. She nods and reached for the phone. "She's right here."  
  
Mac took the phone and walked towards my kitchen, her back to me for the entire, mostly one-sided conversation.  
  
"Mic, where are…." She fell silent for a few minutes. "Mic, we can… what do you….how did you know where…." I see her shake her head as she turns around. "What about your ring?" The first whole question he has allowed her to ask, and she is openly crying again. "Goodbye Mic" She hung up the phone and leaned back against the counter. I waited for her to speak.  
  
"He's going back to Australia. He was at the airport, his flight boarding as he called me. He said he didn't want to be anyone's second choice and as much as he loved me, he couldn't… that it wasn't fair to either of us. He said he knew exactly where to find me because every time something is troubling me, I always run to you. That I always run to you." Her head dropped as she let her sobs overwhelm her.  
  
I hauled myself up, limped to her side and pulled her into my arms.  
  
"That is what I am here for Sarah. Whenever you need me. I was calling out for you that night." I murmur to her while she wept on my chest. Her arms had wound themselves around me and her hands were gripping me like she would drown if she let go. My ribs were not happy with this situation and my good leg was protesting at now having to support me, but most of Mac's weight as well. It didn't matter though. I had Sarah in my arms, and despite my physical pain and her emotional upheaval, it felt good.  
  
After a bit, her sobs had slowed to soft intermittent weeping and I tilted my head back and to the side so I could look at her face.  
  
"You really did love him, didn't you?" I didn't really want to hear the answer if this crying was any indication of her feelings for him.  
  
"Asked and answered…. In a way I did, still do, but you were right when you told me perhaps I should reconsider who I was marrying. Better now than six months from now, right?" she sniffled. "You are as wet as I was when I came in Harm" She tried to joke. I took her subtle hint, decided to let the topic of Brumby and her now broken engagement drop.  
  
"You needed this," I moved my head to indicate our embrace and my soaked shirt, "Like I said, that is what I am here for."  
  
She leaned forward and placed her forehead back on my chest, right over my heart.  
  
"You said something else too…." She let her statement hang, not wanting to push.  
  
I tightened my arms around her, bringing one hand up to hold the back of her neck, reminiscent to our kiss on the Admiral's porch.  
  
"I was calling out for you that night." It was my voice's turn to catch, so I tried her tactic. "I knew you could probably find me the way you did Chloe, I just figured I would be really hard for you to miss if I was screaming MAAAACCCC" I draw out her name in a mock scream, several hundred decibels lower that I am sure I was actually screaming out for her that night. I look down hoping for at least a little grin at that, but I don't get one.  
  
"No, you weren't calling me Mac. You were screaming, calling me by my given name, Sarah and you were terrified" She says quietly, confidently, although starting to shake when she told me how I felt.  
  
She was right and a chill ran through me. It wasn't that I didn't believe in Mac's clairvoyant talents, but it was all in the realm of the completely unexplainable to me and truth be told it was a little freaky, although in a good way. She knew. She knew exactly how I felt out in that water and how I called out for her. Too bad she couldn't see all my feelings regarding her, we probably wouldn't be in any of this mess right now.  
  
Her eyes haven't left mine. I wonder what she sees and ask her. She thinks for a moment but I guess decides we are not in any condition to discuss the terror, love, and confusion I know she must see, so she settles on the remaining two, deeming them safe topics.  
  
"I see a man who is about to keel over from pain and exhaustion." She loosens her hold on me slightly, "I was hurting you…. You need to get off that leg… do you have any medication you can take?"  
  
"I'm okay, no, no medication. You look like you could use some rack time yourself and I really don't want you going back out in that storm…."  
  
"Well, I think, in that case, once I get you to your bunk, I am going to make good use of that couch."  
  
She helped me up the step into the bedroom area and then to a sitting position on the edge of my bed. As she turned to go, I reached out for her hand, clasping it tight in mine.  
  
"Stay here, please" I am surprised at the extent of pleading need in my tone.  
  
"Harm, we, I, you can't…."  
  
I watch her face blush and it eases my embarrassment a little.  
  
"Red light, Colonel", I say with a chuckle, before the pleading voice returns "I just need you close, you are right, I 'can't' as you put it, we shouldn't…. not yet…but I just…." I break off, knowing I am rambling and blushing too, but seeing it doesn't matter as Mac is heading towards the other side of my bed. She stops and looks over at me.  
  
"What about Renee?"  
  
"Renee isn't here." I don't want to go into it. All I want is my best friend to lay down beside me so we can hold each other, so we can provide the solace and comfort that we seem to be the only ones who can provide to each other.  
  
She accepts my answer and joins me under the covers. She puts her arm under my neck and draws me to her, cradling my body with hers, and for the first time in weeks we both slept.  
  
I close my eyes remembering the fell of that warm embrace, letting it lull me to sleep. My pillow is a poor substitute for Mac's body, but if I concentrate hard enough on the memory of that night, I can get to sleep, as sad and pathetic as it may seem.  
  
Next thing I know, I awake to my phone ringing. I can tell by the amount of light in my apartment, it is well past reveille and rapidly approaching beyond being fashionably late for staff call.  
  
"Commander Rabb" I bark, albeit a sleepy bark, into the phone.  
  
"Good morning to you Commander, didn't care for our company this morning?"  
  
"No, Mac, I just, well, my alarm didn't go off." In truth, it really didn't, because I did not set it. I hadn't needed it in months and somewhere along the way I just stopped setting it. But she didn't ask if it hadn't been set, so I could get off on that tiny technicality.  
  
"It helps if you set it flyboy"  
  
Great, there goes my defense…..  
  
"Anyway, I covered your six. Told the Admiral you weren't feeling good so you might be kind enough to cough and sneeze a bit when you finally get in here."  
  
She had called me the night before asking if I wanted to go for an early morning run this morning, but I had begged off complaining of feeling like I was coming down with a cold. I needed my morning to suck down a pot or two of coffee and prepare myself to look and act like I had a great night's sleep. It was bad enough Mac suspected something was wrong, I didn't need to give her anymore evidence than I just gave her this morning.  
  
"Harm, hurry up. The Admiral gave us an interesting assignment and if you don't get here soon I just might have to ask Lt. Singer to take your place…." She teased. 


	4. After Effects 4

Title: After Effects 4/?  
  
Author: AutumnRain  
  
E-mail: autumrain4@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: At the very least an R- eventually (  
  
Summary: Harm has some lasting after effects of his crash and has to find a way to deal with them.  
  
Warnings: This does not follow exactly events of the show. I took a few liberties here and there with events.  
  
Disclaimer: All characters are property of DPB and company. I am just borrowing them for a little fun and absolutely no profit.  
  
Feedback: Feedback is good. I enjoy it and it lets me know people are reading it and either loving it or want me to stop LOL.  
  
Archive: you can find this story and others I have written or am working on at:  
  
http://Stories.Com/authors/autumnrain  
  
  
  
0845  
  
Enroute JAG Headquarters  
  
  
  
Of all the mornings for a traffic jam, there would have to be one today. Things were basically at a standstill- in fact the car in front of me had turned his engine off. Even the winter sun had decided to go into hiding behind dark heavy clouds that seemed to materialize out of nowhere. The was not a good morning for me. No, I take that back, I had been awakened by Sarah's voice, okay, so the phone had been what raised me from my sleep, but her voice was the first voice I heard and I would give anything for it be so forever. "JEEZ Rabb, a little sappy this morning aren't we?" I mumble to the empty car, as memories of the morning she had been in my bed came to me.  
  
The morning after Mic left Mac dawned bright. At some point Mac and I had changed positions and I awoke with my left arm under her neck, holding her to me with my right hand cupped around the curve of her left hip. Her right arm was nestled between us, while her left arm was slung over me, secure under my right arm. I didn't know how she would react to our position- sure she had held me to her body last night, but last night was dark in more ways than one and we both needed the reassuring contact of the other. It was daylight now however and the Marine I held in my arms had been given a bit of time to gather her strength. Would she be angry? I decided to risk it. I didn't know if I would get to keep her in my arms like this, so I was going to savor every minute of it.  
  
"Mmmmm" she murmured as she started to wake up, nuzzling her face against my chest.  
  
"Good Morning Sarah," I whisper to her.  
  
Her body stiffened at the sound of my voice, but then relaxed against me, tightening her arm around me.  
  
"Morning Sailor, sleep well?"  
  
"Better than I have in ages" It didn't seem as if she was any eager to leave my embrace than I was to have leave it.  
  
"That's good" she said as she turned her head slightly and placed a light kiss at the base of my throat. "Shhhh, then. Close your eyes. More sleep." She whispered. I felt her eyes close, her eyelashes tickling me. She snuggled as close to me as she could without climbing on top of me and proceeded to go back to sleep. Who was I to argue? Maybe there would be another kiss in it for me, but she was right, more sleep was needed.  
  
The next time I woke up was not as serene. I had one of my recurring nightmares where I couldn't fight my way to the surface after managing to cut myself from my parachute lines. My own shouts woke me up.  
  
"Harm, its okay" Mac said, grabbing my hands in hers. I felt drops of cold water hit my body and as the haze of the nightmare receded I became aware of a soaking Sarah MacKenzie wrapped up in my robe, fresh from the shower, sitting next to me holding my hands….within my reach.  
  
I don't know what possessed me to do what I did…. No scratch that, I knew exactly why- seven some odd years of denying how I felt, running away from how I felt, years of teasing and touches of support, almost dying and almost losing my best friend despite our oaths never to let that happen, almost losing her to a man I hated for no other reason than he had the guts to do what I could not do- all of that came together and exploded.  
  
I leaned towards her and when my lips met hers I poured all those frustrations and emotions into that kiss. I didn't think a kiss could be any more desperate than the one we had shared on the Admiral's porch, but I was wrong, and unlike that night, Mac did not try to back away from this kiss, but responded with her own desperation and frustration.  
  
Who knows where that kiss would have lead us? Sitting here in the traffic watching the heavy sleet that just let loose, I conjure up images of us falling back on my bed as I undo that robe and run my hands over her…  
  
"'SNAP OUT OF IT RABB" I berate myself outloud as I feel my body responding to the images of my fantasy…. 'Practicality Commander- think of the condition your body was in that night- mending but still very painful ribs, bruised hip, etc…. they wouldn't have stood the pressure of you holding yourself above her, or her sitting on y.. "DAMN IT" maybe I should step out of my car and into this sleet- yeah that would do the trick, just like the phone that called a swift halt and about face to the direction Mac and I were headed that morning.  
  
"Ignore it…." Mac mumbled, our lips still touching. Despite doubting this was the time and place in our lives to come together, and knowing that kissing was probably about as far as we were going to get, I didn't want to wait anymore, I didn't think we could handle another missed opportunity- one day we would run out of those chances.  
  
The answering machine kicked in….  
  
"Wakey Wakey HAR-MON" Renee's voice slithered out in that fake voice she uses when I am not complying to her wishes…. Oh shit- I was supposed to do some breakfast thing with her…  
  
At the first tones of Renee's voice, Mac had jumped from my bed and was gathering her clothes she had spread out to dry.  
  
"Renee…."I growl into the phone as I pick it up. "I had a rough night, Renee - I will call you later." I hang up the phone. The words left my mouth without thinking about what they sounded like to Mac, who now was emerging from my bathroom.  
  
"Mac, come here" I reach out for her, but she keeps going past me and turns around as she leaves my bedroom area. I see the tears in her eyes and then I heard exactly what my words sounded like…. "I didn't mean that"  
  
"Harm, we shouldn't have…. I shouldn't have stayed here last night. I have to get going." And with that said she was out my door before I could get myself to where she had been standing.  
  
TBC- sorry for the wait 


End file.
